Friday, February 19, 2010

That time I revealed myself as.....this.

Facebook is a drug. For me, not for everyone or even close to everyone. It makes me do things I later hate myself for. I can't tear myself away for fear that I will miss something important and life changing. That things could be different for me, for my relationships for crushes and if I don't go on it, if I'm not on at that exact time then I may miss my opportunity. Logic tells me that this is ridiculous but I don't listen. Maybe I can't.

Facebook turns me into a needy spineless little girl.
I can be feeling perfectly find until boom seeing an image or words make my heart ache.
Well that's a little dramatic.
How makes me feel sad. And then needy and clingy, desperate to make the sad feeling stop. The hopeless feeling. The jealous feeling.
It makes me linger, Facebook really isn't even that interesting yet I linger.
It makes me fret over how I'm presenting myself as a person, the visual representation moreso than even my physical self.
Am I coming across as someone I would like? Am I coming across as myself? What about the best version of myself? Does he think I'm a cool person? Would writing this make him see me in that way? How about these bands, these might make me look interesting. What about this picture? What does it say about me? Do I look pretty in it? Do I look prettier than her or them? Does he think I look pretty? What about now? Is this status update obvious but not too obvious? Is it funny? Will they laugh? Will he get it? Will it make him like me?
What can I do to make him like me more than all the other girls, is basically what it all comes down to. The him changes but the pattern usually stays as some vague type of competition.
An unseen one in which the players aren't aware they're playing and the object they're playing for is even more unaware.

And I know I'm better than all of this. I know that whoever he is, he's definitely not worth any of this. At all. And it doesn't even matter. It doesn't. Matter. Doesn't. Matter. None of it matters, a status update will not change someone's feelings. A picture cannot push a guy to have an interest. And you know what, if it's a picture that makes him think "oh wow, maybe she is pretty" and he wouldn't have come to that conclusion without the picture/status update/comment then he's a loser and I shouldn't want to even look at his face ever again.

Seriously people. Maybe I'm the only one, but I'm sure there's someone out there who thinks this way, maybe you are 14 or 15 and in the midst of your teen angst months but I know I can't be alone.
It's a subconscious reaction, I don't actually think that stream of thoughts out, they manifest themselves as feelings and mindsets almost. These self destructing ridiculous and disgustingly female feeling-thoughts. I know all these things are not who I am, they are below me but like a drug I keep refreshing the page, I keep lingering, I keep bopping around trying to act like I don't care.
Like I don't care. But I do.
Maybe some people have a gap between their heart and mind where some other people have a connecting thread. They see something/someone as stupid therefore to them, it is. Maybe it's something you develop, that you make by faking it 'til you make it.
Acknowledging it is the first step. And that's what I'm doing now.

1 comment:

The Love Monster said...

You're totally not alone. Whenever I date a new guy I check out like every single one of his facebook pictures and if I see any from his past that involve other girls it makes me feel so desperate, sad and needy. But I know, when looking that I should expect that. So why do I do it? Facebook is fucked up, the smallest and most insignificant things can really make a big difference, which is sad.