Sunday, March 14, 2010

That time I couldn't figure out who I was.

Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I know I don't and I know that's a very real diagnosis but I just feel like there are too many parts to me that don't even mesh with each other well. Or at all.
How can I be the girl who had a Disney Princess birthday party for her 20th, but also want to smoke a cigarette?

I feel like I'll never be able to discover who I am, once I think I have my "persona" or "style" down I want to do something else, be someone else, behave differently.

I want to wait for a boy to show interest, wait for him to make the first move, just generally wait. But then I want to go after him because why should I waste my life waiting, why can't I just go up to him and kiss him? Of course I plan to but then I chicken out, fear of rejection sometimes paralyzes me.

Or I'll be the girl who lets her hair be curly and does sweet, rosy, and minimal makeup.

But then today I want to use the flat iron and apply copious amounts of eyeliner.
Oh and tomorrow maybe I'll be the girl who doesn't give a crap because her mind and life both feel too out of control for it to matter, so that's the persona for the day.

At the end of the day, I don't know who I am, if I'm some of these things or a mixture of a few or all or none or something else entirely.
And sometimes I don't even want to try to figure it out, so I just blanket myself by putting on jeans and a tshirt and skipping makeup all together. Those days I am nobody, but I know that's also not who I am either.

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