Thursday, March 4, 2010

That time I made people feel like they had to say something kind and cliche.

Welp welp welp. This blog is not abandoned, I think about it all the time. And I so appreciate the two comments I got in my formspring saying that someone basically likes the blog. Even if you're the same person...or my mom.
Regardless it means a lot. I don't feel like people read the blog or care because there aren't a lot of comments or even those little rating things (which are so easy to do! just click your opinion, it's completely far as I know...and it helps me know what stuff I should just keep inside my head or put in my livejournal because it's irrelevant.)

So. In the spirit of the theme of the blog, among other things I feel I should at least briefly go over why I haven't been active. Letting anyone think I was just tooo busy being glamorous and getting chased by guys in slacks and glasses who study architecture would be misleading. Truth is I'm going through a depression. For me to get into all the rhymes and reasons for it would date back before I was born starting with family history. I've basically struggled with it all my life, I've been on anti-depressants since I was 8 so it's familiar territory in so many ways.
Which is partly why I've seem to have sunken so low. I look at myself sometimes, a lot recently, and see all the things wrong. Then I think about the future, tomorrow, next year and it scares the crap out of me. So completely. I mean here I am in Colorado, I've been here for almost a year yet I don't really have friends. I kiiiind of do but friends are people who ask you to hang out, right? Not always the other way around?

So part of me thinks "ok moving to Arkansas will be good-times" but how do I know that? I see myself being even more lost.
So it's fear, it's me being jobless and out of school, it's my self esteem being sucky because I don't get asked out on d8s. And all of this just combined when I didn't have ahem, other things to distract me and I just started getting these images of cutting my wrists and cigarettes floating in my head.
I mean, I've done the medications, the therapy, I've been super Christian and thrown out secular music and television, I've moved somewhere new, I've had a job and I've gone to college with a plan. But all of it has failed, hasn't it? If I am the way I am? What is there left? Who knows if things will get better, truly better not just for a little while or just until I have another distraction.
So yeah, I checked out. And I didn't have the motivation to write anything here, to gather up enough of anything and organize it and make it into an entry and I didn't think posting all the random screencaps of Effy Stonem I've been saving like mad would be any better than no entry at all.

I saw a doctor today and thankfully he doesn't believe I need to be committed to a mental hospital because there for a few days that's where I seemed to be headed. He diagnosed my current state as clinical depression, or major depression something. Upped some of my meds and then my mom bought me some stellar shoes.
Right now, I'm okay. But in an hour I could be curled up on my bed crying, or tomorrow night I could be handing over my pair of nail scissors to my mom because I don't trust myself not to mildly slice my wrist.

I'm sorry to start up again with a debbie downer tale, but honestly, this is the truth. And as fun as it is to talk about boy drama there are other truths in my life and some of them are ugly.

I had a really angsty video of a couple of television characters I'm relating to set to Sia's "Breathe Me" saved but I think this is quite enough. Plus I already did the whole "skip through all scenes on disc one of season two of One Tree Hill that didn't have Peyton in them because this season she's really angsty and almost does the cocainez...

*all images courtesy of One Tree Hill "drawn" by Peyton Sawyer aka my character guide/soul sister


Anonymous said...

I read and I liked it. Nevermind, if you didn't feel like having friends. Nevermiind if you still don't. With so many things in your head, it is hard to make new friends. One is possessed by things one doesn't want to share with new people, but as these things are all present... Anyway I went through difficult times, too. As far as I know now, after more than ten years of fighting to get to know myself better, it is worth it. You are funny and smart and beautiful. That will do and help you to find your way. Take care :)

Anonymous said...

...and before I forget. You are now officially talking for at least 5 women :) me and two of my friends...