That time my pity pot was my bed.

I'm sick.

What I've been doing because of the state I am in:

1. Picking at my severely chapped lips.
2. Staring at my computer with glazed over eyes and my mouth hanging open and repeatedly forgetting why I'm even on the computer (there never is a reason).
3. Perfecting my hand-eye coordination skills (used kleenex thrown into trashcan in middle of room).
4. Rolling a cough drop around in my open mouth, thus making delightful noises when it bangs and rolls along my teeth.
5. Daydreaming about a miracle happening, like in romantic movies and television shows.
6. Watching "Dawson's Creek."
7. Tending to the bitterness inside towards a certain asshole person.
8. Mumbling at Lillie because it hurts too much to talk or yell.
9. Whining inwardly about how I don't deserve this and how I'm sad and lonely and angry and tired and sore and I can't breathe.
10. Watching more "Dawson's Creek" (I have all the seasons on DVD...I can stay in bed for a longgg while).

Basically I'm doing all of these things at once. The glaze-drop look of #2 is kind of my permanent face though....how darling.



...I'm getting back in bed now.

Ps. I'd like to thank everyone who has looked at this blog, who has followed it (I have 11 followers now!), who has checked some of the "feedback" boxes and those of you who have left comments. It means so much to me and I treasure and re-read every single comment and every word of feedback I hear. I'm a total noob and don't know what I'm doing so it's so nice to hear that at least some of what I'm doing makes sense and is perhaps even enjoyable to read.
*picture is from tumblr, credit unknown.

That time I couldn't figure out who I was.

Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I know I don't and I know that's a very real diagnosis but I just feel like there are too many parts to me that don't even mesh with each other well. Or at all.

How can I be the girl who had a Disney Princess birthday party for her 20th, but also want to smoke a cigarette?

I feel like I'll never be able to discover who I am, once I think I have my "persona" or "style" down I want to do something else, be someone else, behave differently.

I want to wait for a boy to show interest, wait for him to make the first move, just generally wait. But then I want to go after him because why should I waste my life waiting, why can't I just go up to him and kiss him? Of course I plan to but then I chicken out, fear of rejection sometimes paralyzes me.

Or I'll be the girl who lets her hair be curly and does sweet, rosy, and minimal makeup.

But then today I want to use the flat iron and apply copious amounts of eyeliner.
Oh and tomorrow maybe I'll be the girl who doesn't give a crap because her mind and life both feel too out of control for it to matter, so that's the persona for the day.

At the end of the day, I don't know who I am, if I'm some of these things or a mixture of a few or all or none or something else entirely.
And sometimes I don't even want to try to figure it out, so I just blanket myself by putting on jeans and a tshirt and skipping makeup all together. Those days I am nobody, but I know that's also not who I am either.

That time I revealed myself as.....this.

Facebook is a drug. For me, not for everyone or even close to everyone. It makes me do things I later hate myself for. I can't tear myself away for fear that I will miss something important and life changing. That things could be different for me, for my relationships for crushes and if I don't go on it, if I'm not on at that exact time then I may miss my opportunity. Logic tells me that this is ridiculous but I don't listen. Maybe I can't.

Facebook turns me into a needy spineless little girl.
I can be feeling perfectly find until boom seeing an image or words make my heart ache.
Well that's a little dramatic.
How about...it makes me feel sad. And then needy and clingy, desperate to make the sad feeling stop. The hopeless feeling. The jealous feeling.
It makes me linger, Facebook really isn't even that interesting yet I linger.
It makes me fret over how I'm presenting myself as a person, the visual representation moreso than even my physical self.
Am I coming across as someone I would like? Am I coming across as myself? What about the best version of myself? Does he think I'm a cool person? Would writing this make him see me in that way? How about these bands, these might make me look interesting. What about this picture? What does it say about me? Do I look pretty in it? Do I look prettier than her or them? Does he think I look pretty? What about now? Is this status update obvious but not too obvious? Is it funny? Will they laugh? Will he get it? Will it make him like me?
What can I do to make him like me more than all the other girls, is basically what it all comes down to. The him changes but the pattern usually stays as some vague type of competition.
An unseen one in which the players aren't aware they're playing and the object they're playing for is even more unaware.

And I know I'm better than all of this. I know that whoever he is, he's definitely not worth any of this. At all. And it doesn't even matter. It doesn't. Matter. Doesn't. Matter. None of it matters, a status update will not change someone's feelings. A picture cannot push a guy to have an interest. And you know what, if it's a picture that makes him think "oh wow, maybe she is pretty" and he wouldn't have come to that conclusion without the picture/status update/comment then he's a loser and I shouldn't want to even look at his face ever again.

Seriously people. Maybe I'm the only one, but I'm sure there's someone out there who thinks this way, maybe you are 14 or 15 and in the midst of your teen angst months but I know I can't be alone.
It's a subconscious reaction, I don't actually think that stream of thoughts out, they manifest themselves as feelings and mindsets almost. These self destructing ridiculous and disgustingly female feeling-thoughts. I know all these things are not who I am, they are below me but like a drug I keep refreshing the page, I keep lingering, I keep bopping around trying to act like I don't care.
Like I don't care. But I do.
Maybe some people have a gap between their heart and mind where some other people have a connecting thread. They see something/someone as stupid therefore to them, it is. Maybe it's something you develop, that you make by faking it 'til you make it.
Acknowledging it is the first step. And that's what I'm doing now.