Sometimes Most of the time I stay awake even later because I don't want to go brush my teeth and wash my face.

That time I did a half-assed post.

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.
-Jennifer James

I've been so busy recently, moving into a place of my own, starting school, having 5 classes, returing microwaves - plus trying to make trips back home to see Lillie and be able to hang out with friends. I'm new to this whole "being busy, having a life" thing and time management is not my strong point....at all. So I can say I've been too busy but that would be a lie because I watched Dawson's Creek this morning in my pj's eating puff Cheetos and then switching to cookie dough.
I have not forgotten about the blog though! I just haven't had the energy to gather up and organize enough material for a post, and there's too much! Too much to sift through and sort, too many things I could write about but which would be most interesting? I'll work on this on my bus rides...

That time my pity pot was my bed.

I'm sick.

What I've been doing because of the state I am in:

1. Picking at my severely chapped lips.
2. Staring at my computer with glazed over eyes and my mouth hanging open and repeatedly forgetting why I'm even on the computer (there never is a reason).
3. Perfecting my hand-eye coordination skills (used kleenex thrown into trashcan in middle of room).
4. Rolling a cough drop around in my open mouth, thus making delightful noises when it bangs and rolls along my teeth.
5. Daydreaming about a miracle happening, like in romantic movies and television shows.
6. Watching "Dawson's Creek."
7. Tending to the bitterness inside towards a certain asshole person.
8. Mumbling at Lillie because it hurts too much to talk or yell.
9. Whining inwardly about how I don't deserve this and how I'm sad and lonely and angry and tired and sore and I can't breathe.
10. Watching more "Dawson's Creek" (I have all the seasons on DVD...I can stay in bed for a longgg while).

Basically I'm doing all of these things at once. The glaze-drop look of #2 is kind of my permanent face though....how darling.



...I'm getting back in bed now.

Ps. I'd like to thank everyone who has looked at this blog, who has followed it (I have 11 followers now!), who has checked some of the "feedback" boxes and those of you who have left comments. It means so much to me and I treasure and re-read every single comment and every word of feedback I hear. I'm a total noob and don't know what I'm doing so it's so nice to hear that at least some of what I'm doing makes sense and is perhaps even enjoyable to read.
*picture is from tumblr, credit unknown.

That time I witnessed perfection.

The first image is definitely my favourite picture of Zooey, at least right now.
Read the whole article on She and Him here.

The other day I was talking on Facebook with one of my friends and she totally said some things that made my day/month/year/etc. even if they're not entirely true:

"I watched an awesome movie yesterday called 500 days of summer... have you ever seen it? the girl in the movie... Zoe somethingorother... totally reminds me of you! I love her! She is HOTT and hilarious... :)
Nick and I both adore her... and every time we see her in a movie we miss you!! :( "

My life, it is complete.

That time it's just random stuff pt. 1

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Yellow nails, I've debated whether to wait until summer or at least spring and stick to black and maroon for winter but that's kind of dumb if you really think about it....okay maybe it's not but my yellow nail polish is "insta-dry" and so it dries really fast which is good because I suck at being careful...I need to get more of those

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I've decided I need a soft leopard print coat, like that.
Eventually...




leblogdebetty; tumblr
I've also gone "bang-crazy" again. I got really bang-crazy after seeing "500 Days of Summer" and it has happened off and on since then, I decide I need bangs, I start collecting pictures of beautiful bangs and then I fret and debate on whether I should do it because I've had bangs before, and every time I have them I get sick of them and will them to grow out and now, right now they are completely grown out. As grown out as I can ever remember.
What I wouldn't give to be able to lose the bangs as fast as I can gain them.


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HIPSTER HUMOUR FYT

That time I couldn't figure out who I was.

Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. I know I don't and I know that's a very real diagnosis but I just feel like there are too many parts to me that don't even mesh with each other well. Or at all.

How can I be the girl who had a Disney Princess birthday party for her 20th, but also want to smoke a cigarette?

I feel like I'll never be able to discover who I am, once I think I have my "persona" or "style" down I want to do something else, be someone else, behave differently.

I want to wait for a boy to show interest, wait for him to make the first move, just generally wait. But then I want to go after him because why should I waste my life waiting, why can't I just go up to him and kiss him? Of course I plan to but then I chicken out, fear of rejection sometimes paralyzes me.

Or I'll be the girl who lets her hair be curly and does sweet, rosy, and minimal makeup.

But then today I want to use the flat iron and apply copious amounts of eyeliner.
Oh and tomorrow maybe I'll be the girl who doesn't give a crap because her mind and life both feel too out of control for it to matter, so that's the persona for the day.

At the end of the day, I don't know who I am, if I'm some of these things or a mixture of a few or all or none or something else entirely.
And sometimes I don't even want to try to figure it out, so I just blanket myself by putting on jeans and a tshirt and skipping makeup all together. Those days I am nobody, but I know that's also not who I am either.

That time I made people feel like they had to say something kind and cliche.

Welp welp welp. This blog is not abandoned, I think about it all the time. And I so appreciate the two comments I got in my formspring saying that someone basically likes the blog. Even if you're the same person...or my mom.
Regardless it means a lot. I don't feel like people read the blog or care because there aren't a lot of comments or even those little rating things (which are so easy to do! just click your opinion, it's completely anonymous...as far as I know...and it helps me know what stuff I should just keep inside my head or put in my livejournal because it's irrelevant.)

So. In the spirit of the theme of the blog, among other things I feel I should at least briefly go over why I haven't been active. Letting anyone think I was just tooo busy being glamorous and getting chased by guys in slacks and glasses who study architecture would be misleading. Truth is I'm going through a depression. For me to get into all the rhymes and reasons for it would date back before I was born starting with family history. I've basically struggled with it all my life, I've been on anti-depressants since I was 8 so it's familiar territory in so many ways.
Which is partly why I've seem to have sunken so low. I look at myself sometimes, a lot recently, and see all the things wrong. Then I think about the future, tomorrow, next year and it scares the crap out of me. So completely. I mean here I am in Colorado, I've been here for almost a year yet I don't really have friends. I kiiiind of do but friends are people who ask you to hang out, right? Not always the other way around?

So part of me thinks "ok moving to Arkansas will be good-times" but how do I know that? I see myself being even more lost.
So it's fear, it's me being jobless and out of school, it's my self esteem being sucky because I don't get asked out on d8s. And all of this just combined when I didn't have ahem, other things to distract me and I just started getting these images of cutting my wrists and cigarettes floating in my head.
I mean, I've done the medications, the therapy, I've been super Christian and thrown out secular music and television, I've moved somewhere new, I've had a job and I've gone to college with a plan. But all of it has failed, hasn't it? If I am the way I am? What is there left? Who knows if things will get better, truly better not just for a little while or just until I have another distraction.
So yeah, I checked out. And I didn't have the motivation to write anything here, to gather up enough of anything and organize it and make it into an entry and I didn't think posting all the random screencaps of Effy Stonem I've been saving like mad would be any better than no entry at all.

I saw a doctor today and thankfully he doesn't believe I need to be committed to a mental hospital because there for a few days that's where I seemed to be headed. He diagnosed my current state as clinical depression, or major depression something. Upped some of my meds and then my mom bought me some stellar shoes.
Right now, I'm okay. But in an hour I could be curled up on my bed crying, or tomorrow night I could be handing over my pair of nail scissors to my mom because I don't trust myself not to mildly slice my wrist.

I'm sorry to start up again with a debbie downer tale, but honestly, this is the truth. And as fun as it is to talk about boy drama there are other truths in my life and some of them are ugly.

I had a really angsty video of a couple of television characters I'm relating to set to Sia's "Breathe Me" saved but I think this is quite enough. Plus I already did the whole "skip through all scenes on disc one of season two of One Tree Hill that didn't have Peyton in them because this season she's really angsty and almost does the cocainez...

*all images courtesy of One Tree Hill "drawn" by Peyton Sawyer aka my character guide/soul sister

Vvvvvvv

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My valentine's day was like any other day. Only with more chocolate and decorating cookies.
I feel like I've never had a valentine on valentine's day but that's not true, I've had two. Maybe it's just easier to pretend like I haven't and play the "woe is me" card I'm so good at playing.

The hardest part of making a blog, a good one, for me is organizing my thoughts. They're like a bowl of spaghetti noodles criss-crossing everywhere and once I think I've picked out all the similar ones to put together I find more hidden at the bottom or wrapped around another one.
See, this all makes sense in my head.

Bold

Sometimes I imagine what life would be like if I did everything with the mindset of "seize the day."
It's different than "live today like it's your last day" because if today truly was my last day and I was going to die tomorrow I would without a doubt end up doing many illegal things while making a fool out of myself.
I wouldn't want to spend every day like that, maxing out credit cards, kissing everyone I want to kiss. I would only end up alienating those around me.

But seizing the day is different, it's the light version of living like you're dying.
It falls under my life lists, or rather my life lists fall under it.
So in addition to the big (adopt a child) and not so big (take a roadtrip with friends) things, I'm also working on something that can be used almost any time.

★ Take a one day road trip
★ Go stargazing, bring music
★ Find a rooftop to climb onto
★ Make prank phone calls (immature? perhaps, but I rule at them so I can't
ignore my God-given talent)

...more to come. When I find more.

Orchids

I should be showering and getting ready for class but instead I'm stuck on a fascinating blog while simultaneously glaring at my cold coffee.

Go here and start at day 1
http://jameslepine.com/

Waianae shore

mine

I really miss Hawaii, every day.
Especially after seeing our ugly airport on "Lost" tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you Hawaii, you don't know what you got 'til it's gone.