That time I made people feel like they had to say something kind and cliche.

Welp welp welp. This blog is not abandoned, I think about it all the time. And I so appreciate the two comments I got in my formspring saying that someone basically likes the blog. Even if you're the same person...or my mom.
Regardless it means a lot. I don't feel like people read the blog or care because there aren't a lot of comments or even those little rating things (which are so easy to do! just click your opinion, it's completely anonymous...as far as I know...and it helps me know what stuff I should just keep inside my head or put in my livejournal because it's irrelevant.)

So. In the spirit of the theme of the blog, among other things I feel I should at least briefly go over why I haven't been active. Letting anyone think I was just tooo busy being glamorous and getting chased by guys in slacks and glasses who study architecture would be misleading. Truth is I'm going through a depression. For me to get into all the rhymes and reasons for it would date back before I was born starting with family history. I've basically struggled with it all my life, I've been on anti-depressants since I was 8 so it's familiar territory in so many ways.
Which is partly why I've seem to have sunken so low. I look at myself sometimes, a lot recently, and see all the things wrong. Then I think about the future, tomorrow, next year and it scares the crap out of me. So completely. I mean here I am in Colorado, I've been here for almost a year yet I don't really have friends. I kiiiind of do but friends are people who ask you to hang out, right? Not always the other way around?

So part of me thinks "ok moving to Arkansas will be good-times" but how do I know that? I see myself being even more lost.
So it's fear, it's me being jobless and out of school, it's my self esteem being sucky because I don't get asked out on d8s. And all of this just combined when I didn't have ahem, other things to distract me and I just started getting these images of cutting my wrists and cigarettes floating in my head.
I mean, I've done the medications, the therapy, I've been super Christian and thrown out secular music and television, I've moved somewhere new, I've had a job and I've gone to college with a plan. But all of it has failed, hasn't it? If I am the way I am? What is there left? Who knows if things will get better, truly better not just for a little while or just until I have another distraction.
So yeah, I checked out. And I didn't have the motivation to write anything here, to gather up enough of anything and organize it and make it into an entry and I didn't think posting all the random screencaps of Effy Stonem I've been saving like mad would be any better than no entry at all.

I saw a doctor today and thankfully he doesn't believe I need to be committed to a mental hospital because there for a few days that's where I seemed to be headed. He diagnosed my current state as clinical depression, or major depression something. Upped some of my meds and then my mom bought me some stellar shoes.
Right now, I'm okay. But in an hour I could be curled up on my bed crying, or tomorrow night I could be handing over my pair of nail scissors to my mom because I don't trust myself not to mildly slice my wrist.

I'm sorry to start up again with a debbie downer tale, but honestly, this is the truth. And as fun as it is to talk about boy drama there are other truths in my life and some of them are ugly.

I had a really angsty video of a couple of television characters I'm relating to set to Sia's "Breathe Me" saved but I think this is quite enough. Plus I already did the whole "skip through all scenes on disc one of season two of One Tree Hill that didn't have Peyton in them because this season she's really angsty and almost does the cocainez...

*all images courtesy of One Tree Hill "drawn" by Peyton Sawyer aka my character guide/soul sister

That time MTV made a good show.

I really, truly love this show, "My Life as Liz" on mtv. Sure she's not actually a "freak" but I don't really care. She's adorable and funny and covered one of my favorite songs "The Funeral" by Band of Horses in a totally awesome way. She kicked serious butt with a fantastic and unique voice.
I hope things work out when she tries to invite Bryson to prom- that he goes with her.

That time we learned from Grey's Anatomy.

I'm a huge advocate of learning from television and movies. Maybe it's because I was homeschooled or maybe it's because I've lived a pretty sheltered life. Either way, television is important and today is one of those days the divine wisdom of tv has blessed me...

Last night while watching "Grey's Anatomy" (for the second time, only this time on dvd of course) I realized the life lesson of the Lexie-George-Sloan situation. Here's a seemingly average girl, sure she's beautiful and has uncanny photographic memory talents but more or less she's not a huge character nor is she known especially for her beauty or personality. I've also never really ~related to her because as far as I'm concerned on Grey's, Meredith is my homegirl.
Now Lexie Grey has had her share of shoddy situations, her mom died recently, her dad is an alcoholic and her sister pretty much hates her. She actually "scores" one of the hotties at Seattle Grace, Alex Karev but it turns out he was using her. So she eventually moves on and develops a raging-I'm-in-love-with-you-but-you-don't-see-me-that-way crush on George O'Malley:

Now I love George as much as the next person who doesn't hate him. He's adorable and hilarious and sweet and kind. But he doesn't exactly scream the hot one that every girl wants but can't have. No, to me he's the sweet friend and sure he got Izzy but it doesn't make total sense for him to NOT like Lexie:

To most viewers Lexie might not be the hottest thing on Grey's but I think she's definitely above George, plus she's sweet as heck. So what is it? Wouldn't he be lucky to have Lexie? She helped him with his intern exam, became a rampant thief to decorate their apartment to make HIM happy and is pretty much his go-to adorable cheerleader all day every day. So why doesn't George like her like her? I don't know. These things don't always make sense, if I knew then I probably wouldn't be in the situation I'm in right now and I might not have even noticed this whole Lexie thing because I didn't the first time I saw these episodes.
Lexie finally realizes that George doesn't see her, again, why? Who knows. So now Lexie is moving on and trying to bounce back after more or less getting rejected by someone who we all know would be lucky to have her when SHABAM do you know what happens next?

McSteamy happens. Arguably the sexiest man at Seattle Grace Hospital. He's also a DOCTOR. And little old Lexie Grey, the intern who has/had a crush on a silly little boy like George attracts this man's attention?
Why yes, yes she does.

Now maybe they're not together currently, last I saw they broke up and now she's blonde but they were together a long time. She tamed the man-whore a la Katy Perry and actually moved in with him.
And then SHE broke up with him, not the other way around.

My point is, sometimes we fall for guys who really should like us but they don't. And that sucks and it's easy to think that there must be something wrong with us, that's normal. But look at Lexie, George didn't like her but guess who was right around the corner? A man, not a boy.
And you know what, maybe George just didn't see her that way and he couldn't help it but that still doesn't keep me from thinking he's an idiot. Or was.